I process fear rather slowly. Fear presents itself, I acknowledge it, I try to put the emotion away while I think about the practicalities. It may take awhile before I am able to bring the emotion back out and look it in the eye and confront it directly. In fact, it may take multiple attempts. But as I separate the emotion from the realities, it helps me to eventually process both aspects. It is what works for me, or rather, it is what I do.
Preparing for the Appalachian Trail
I fear many things about my upcoming thru hike of the Appalachian Trail. I’m afraid the cold, and the hot, and the insects, and the people. I’m weary of the wild creatures, and the injury possibilities, and the unknowns and the what ifs. Around every turn, over each rock, in the shadows of the tree line awaits possible imminent dangers.
I’m trying to find a balance between recognizing fears and not dwelling on them. Because the opposite is just as true. Endless opportunities of wonder await me just as much. I am more of an optimist, so I’m sure I romanticize the positives naturally. But there is a balance between recognizing both, not necessarily equally, but making sure not to completely cancel either.
Only three weeks remain until I set foot onto the Appalachian Trail. How much can one accomplish in three weeks? I feel this overwhelming desire to make an endless list with every possible task that exists to accomplish and spend the next 21 days spending every waking moment working on and crossing off each task one by one. And on the flipside of that, I feel a desire to take it slowly, enjoy every comfort and relish in the every day joys that will soon be behind me. In reality, I am leaning into the second desire much more.
Since my last day at my job a couple of weeks ago, I’ve been enjoying waking up slowly and without an alarm, reading or otherwise relaxing, taking long baths, and generally just living slowly and quietly. I feel like it is what my body needs right now, and I’m doing my best to listen.
There are many things that should happen before three weeks is up. Dehydrated meals that should be made. Deep research into trail towns and stops and resupply points, etc. Practice hikes and strengthening my endurance in preparation. But how to prioritize the shoulds, when all my body and mind wants to do is rest?
In the days leading up to the new year, I saw three different “word search” style images with the caption “The first word you see will be what 2022 will bring you” on social media. And coincidently, even though they were three different word searches posted by three different people at three different times – I saw the same word first in each images:
Rest.
How serious should I take that coincidence when if fact I am about to walk 2,200 miles in 2022? The exact opposite of resting? Should I question my decisions? Nah. I’m choosing to see it as a rest from my past. A break from self-imposed and societal pressures. A pause from the hustle and grind of a life I ended up feeling so lost in.
Although I’ll be putting my body into the highest level of activity I’ve ever done, I will be walking into a type of rest that I don’t find in my current every day life. The peace and quiet of the wilderness, in combination with excluding the distractions of electronics and the noise of a bustling city.
